It’s still your life, so hold on to it tightly. Find ways each day to do something—even something little—no matter where you are in your emotional journey! You never know who is watching; you never know when a little bit of community may come your way.
Recovering from a loss due to suicide can be an emotional roller coaster. For every beautiful, pain-less (not painless, mind you) day, you are met with days in which it takes every ounce of strength and effort to get out of bed. Summed beautifully by Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors, guilt and blame can run rampant as our thoughts—in a blink—spiral out of control.
It has been almost two weeks since the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention's Out of the Darkness Walk. When we lost our brother in November of 2018, I immediately felt a shove into action in support of suicide prevention and support of those struggling to cope with loss. So, two months later, I am at a local Panera, meeting with several strangers with similar lived stories of loss, putting the first pieces together for the 2019 Walk. Throughout the meeting, I felt waves—wanting to jump in and help, wanting to jump and run out of the room; rinse and repeat. But I then began to realize that these people, whom I have grown to love and appreciate, are having feelings not dissimilar to my own. Our brother was so comfortable jumping into new situations; always one to voice his opinion, he never struggled striking up conversation with strangers. I felt confident that I could bring his strength out and do the same. Before I knew it, I was jumping right in, creating spreadsheets, finding sponsors, donors, and taking the reins on being the event emcee.
The Walk was a blur - a sea of people, tents, face-painting, therapy horses, superheroes, music, and emotion. All I could think of was honoring the five losses I've experienced while being an emotional support for others taking part in the Walk in honor of their loved ones. Everything was going well until the music hit during a rehabbed raptor release and hula dance. I could no longer hold back the tears; I could no longer remain "strong". I just needed a moment. But in the midst of this emotional moment, I was greeted with a "My son would like to give you a hug—he just noticed you struggling and really just wants to give you a hug." I was moved by this act of kindness. But it also made me appreciate the choice I made to jump into action with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. One small choice led to bigger opportunities to feel empowered and have a sense of true community with those around me.
As Becky McCoy states in her article titled "When Anxiety and Depression Make You Feel Stuck Outside of Your Own Life"It’s still your life, so hold on to it tightly. Find ways each day to do something—even something little—no matter where you are in your emotional journey! You never know who is watching; you never know when a little bit of community may come your way.
Always remember, you are loved, you are needed, you are appreciated, and you should never feel like you have to walk alone!
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